so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
