Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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