Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
