I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
