the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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