Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
