so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
