I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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