.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
