i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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