Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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