This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
