Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
