he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
