Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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