she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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