Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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