She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
