as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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