Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
