he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
