so that wasnt chicken after all
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
