Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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