u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
