I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
