I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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