Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
