last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
