Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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