got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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