he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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