Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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