it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Randomize
