The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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