I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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