My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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