Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
