I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i drank out of a bidet.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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