She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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