Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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