Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
