It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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