i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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