I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It's no shave November. This is our time.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
