Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
