I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
why is half of my head shaved?
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