Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
