I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
