Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
