wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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