you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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